It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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