I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
