my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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