My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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