Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
accomplished twins. life is a go
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
