Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
