I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
