I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
