i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
