Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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