Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
