he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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