First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
