the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's blow job season.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't notice because vodka
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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