apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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