I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
