My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize