You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And then he peed in my hair
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