you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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