dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
