im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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