Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize