I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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