Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
