We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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