You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
