Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
