I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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