genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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