okay pat passed out under dana's car
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
