just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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