If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
