I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
