WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
