I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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