I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
