i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
