im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
