you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize