Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
