Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
