thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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