I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just tell him i said nine months
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
