I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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