Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
