It's like God shit irony all over that family
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
