who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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