GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
