I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
