dude i'm inner monologue high
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
