I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
