you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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