saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
