The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
